Miserable At Best
by Cerise Murmur
Summary: Songfic; Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade. After Bette and Tina's breakup Bette is trying to deal with all of the emotions she's feeling, and trying to learn to live without Tina in her life. Bette/Tina, rated T for mild sexual content and language.


**Another songfic! I rather like writing these. So, Miserable At Best -Mayday Parade. This is an excellent song, by the way, go check it out. Oh, and yes, I changed the names to words, that was intentional, I thought it might ruin it just a bit if I didn't.**

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_Baby don't cry, I know you're trying your hardest, and the hardest part is letting go…_

The silence…the silence is the worst part, your voice used to echo so beautifully through these walls, your footsteps a steady reminder of your presence, your whisper in my ear following the loudening clicks. You soft, warm whisper, telling me…you were home, and your hands on my shoulders.

_Of the nights we shared, she's calling and you know it's haunting._

The phone rings more sharply now, the shrill sound sending shivers up my spine, and the voice on the other end is never the one I want to hear. It's _her, _the girl I "love" the girl I'm hurting more and more every night, the girl…that's not you.

_But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright. And when we look at the sky, it's not mine, but I want it so…_

And at night…I would lay in the dark and stare at my ceiling, the glowing stars the door to a vast galaxy that you and I used to explore together. A galaxy with hundreds of miles of empty space we didn't have a chance to fill.

_Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight, I know he's there and, you're probably hanging out and making eyes, while across the room he stares. _

Not knowing where you are or what you're doing stains my pillowcase through the tears. Worrying about things that I can't control was always a great talent of mine…you had him now, and you were happy.

_I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes…_

You never had self control, you would retreat to your room and tell me not to bother you because you had to work…something for charity…always. But I would walk in anyway with a glass of red wine. I would sit on your lap and kiss the protest from your lips and run my fingers through your blonde hair.

_Because the words were never easier for me to say, or for her to second guess, but I guess…_

Laying in rumpled sheets the small murmurs of 'I love you' made the perfect moment out of the perfect scene that was our lives. Tangled up in each other was my favorite part, and yours too, I could tell from your smile. God, I miss your smile…Jodie…she had a gorgeous smile, but gorgeous was ugly compared to anything about you.

_That I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best. _

I love her I love her I love her…the words would form in my mind, but the thought could never fully complete into something I could hold onto, it would morph to I love Tina I love Tina I love Tina.

_You're all I hoped to find, in every single way, and everything I could give is everything you couldn't take. _

When I met you I felt like I had a second chance I didn't deserve. You came into my office…to compliment me, to say you liked the exhibit, I turned around at the sound of a light voice. And my heart stopped. My breath caught in my throat as you walked towards me, held out your hand…I grasped it gently, your skin was so warm and soft. You said, "Hi, I'm Tina…" I opened my mouth to speak, but you had turned around, "I'm-" my voice was cut short, "Bette Porter, of course" a breathtaking smile was thrown in my direction, I felt lightheaded.

_Cause' nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away, and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay._

Three minutes after we had met our lips were crashed together, my hand was snaked around your waist and your hands were tangled in my hair. You pulled away, flustered, you said your boyfriend was waiting and you had to go, but not before I pressed my number into your hand, you smiled and walked out, leaving me confused but ecstatic.

_I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet, and I need too._

A day later you called…you said you wanted to meet me, and I said yes, and you came over. We made love that night, and it was the sweetest thing I've ever experienced. Breathtaking in your beauty, your intelligence matched it with vigor.

_So, let's not pretend that you're alone tonight, I know he's there, you're probably hanging out and making eyes, while across the room he stares. _

I remember how jealous I used to get when you went home to _him. _You told me how much you loved me, but you couldn't leave him just yet, but you would, of course you would.

_I bet he gets up the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes…_

I saw you kiss him once…his arms wrapped strongly around your waist, your neck straining to meet his clumsy lips, I never knew his name. I always…always just said, _him. _That man…you were with. You slid your hands across his shoulders sweetly, you broke the kiss with little conviction and hopped into the car with me, smelling strongly of aftershave. You told him I was your _friend_ and we were going out…you needed to be with a girl for once.

_Because the words were never easier to say, or for her to second guess, but I guess…_

"God, Bette, I love you so much" you would whisper to me, you whispered it sweeter the night you told me you were leaving him and you wanted to move in with me…you wanted us to be together, always. The next day you came to my doorstep with a suitcase and a beaming smile, the suitcase was soon forgotten at the door as you rushed into my arms and kissed me and kissed and kissed and kissed.

_That I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best…_

We fought sometimes, but for the most part we got along, we really did. I would confide my problems in you…troubles at work, with anything really, and you would in me. The years came and went slowly but unbearably fast, and then you wanted kids. In my haste to give you everything you wanted I said yes, I didn't think about whether that was what I wanted or not…

_And this will be the first time in a week that I talk to you, and I can't speak…_

And that day you emerged from the bathroom, a rosy glow in your cheeks when you told me you were pregnant, we were going to have a baby, I cried and hugged you, so happy because you were happy, so happy because you were still with me, and you would always be. But then I couldn't take it…I did something without thinking…I did something that I should have never done…and you left, and were with _him. _With _our _baby.

_It's been three whole days since I've have sleep, because I dream of his lips on your cheek._

I drive by your house sometimes and I glance in the window and see you eating and drinking wine with him, all the things you used to do with me, I see you passing him our baby and him hugging and kissing her like she was his own, it made me sick.

_And I got the point that I should leave you alone, but we both know I'm not that strong. _

And here I am…sitting on my bed and staring down at my hands while Jodie sleeps, tossing and turning until I get off the bed to go stand by the window. Shit Tina, look what's happened to us.

_And I miss the lips that made me fly…_

And it's all my fault, and I can never pretend that it's not. I almost expect there to be a knock at the door, I would answer it and you would run back into my arms sobbing and telling me how much you missed me and loved me.

_So let's not pretend that you're alone tonight, I know he's there and you're probably hanging out and making eyes while across the room he stares. _

And then I was in my car, I needed to see you…I parked outside of your house and gripped the steering wheel tightly, taking deep breaths. Trying to calm my jumpy nerves. I looked over in the window and what I saw brought tears to my eyes…

_And I bet he gets the nerve to walk to floor and ask my girl to dance…and she'll say yes…_

You were in his arms, your head tiled back looking into his eyes…his lips lowering to met yours, you were moving gracefully in sync to music I couldn't hear. I could feel the pieces of my heart shattering in my chest, I couldn't do this to you…you looked so happy.

_Because these words were never easier for me to say, or you too second guess…_

You broke the kiss and rested your head on his chest, and my heart stopped for a moment, you were looking out the window, but you didn't see me, your eyes had glazed, I remembered your expression when you were about to cry…I knew before it happened, and then he pulled you back and a concerned look spread across his face, I watched you silently shake your head and run your fingers harshly through your hair. You left the room and came out the front door a second later. I wanted to run to you and wrap my arms around you…I wanted to know what had made you so unhappy.

_I guess I can live with you…_

You sat on the front porch and cradled your head in your hands, still oblivious of me…I could hear the sobs…and I could hear my own sobs echoing it.

_But without you I'll be miserable…_

You looked up and wiped your eyes…and you finally saw me, our eyes met, and I felt the remainder of my heart completely break and then I was nothing, and you were walking towards me, and the tears were flowing down my face, and your body was shaking with sobs.

_And I can live without you…_

I clicked the door open and got out, you stopped in front of me, you looked up at me with mascara running down your face and the saddest look I've ever seen in your eyes, you said, "Can you please just hold me for awhile…" and then my arms were around you, and your arms were around me, my tears slipping into your hair, the salt stinging my nose. I breathed you in and clung to you with everything I had. "Tina..." I mumbled into your hair, your tears soaked through my tshirt.

_But without you I'll be miserable…_

An eternity felt like seconds and you pulled away, you said "this is what you've done to me…" and you wiped your eyes and turned around and walked back across the dirty pavement…

_And I can live without you…_

I watched you enter the house again…I knew you were apologizing to him, and I was here…leaning against my car, tears still running down my cheeks. I got in the car and sat there…and I knew I deserved it…and I wanted more than anything to be able to look you in the eyes and feel I deserved the affection that I wanted so badly to be there…

_Oh, but without you I'll be miserable at best._


End file.
